Everyone- pretty, or pretty ugly- has self imaging problems.
I don't really care that I'm thin. It doesn't mean much, in fact I might be TOO thin. Boney and pale and weak. My nose is long and my hair is always too stringy or limp falling out. it's so thin that when I pull it into a pony tail it looks like I have no hair at all. I have dark shadows under my eyes which is really bad because my skin is pale and a little splotchy. My jaw is square and there is a sadness and a forced style to my smile when I'm in for pictures on the one exception of candid photos. But my parents never took pictures of us when we were young or growing up. It was too sad a time to try and remember it I guess.

Sometimes I'll look at myself in the mirror and I smile and I AM pretty. I have bright eyes and clean skin and my hair is pulled into a fashionable high messy pony, a long neck and pretty mouth. I am happy. but by the time I end the day I find my hair has sunk, my makeup has begun to run under my eyes, and I've been running around with a stain on my jacket.

What is WRONG with me? I never seem to compare to the rest of the world. I'm not photogenic. That's not really up for debate. Unless you want to argue that I'm just that hideous all the time and I just don't know it. But I don't think thats true because when I don't KNOW the picture is being taken, I look fine. That helps me know I have real judgment. I CAN look cute- i just don't.

So I'm in a maid cafe and I just keeeeeeeeep failing. I'm surrounded by these SUPER kawaii girls who are Asian and short and petite and sweet. anime boys love that. not me. Not this tall, blond, European, loud-mouth. Worse, they took PICTURES. and once again, I epic fail. and it's there for the whole world to see and compare me to the other maids. Even my Aino chan is a vision and I'm just not. I'm just NOT PRETTY. How could *I* every think that I could fill the role of a Otaku's fantasy? I'll be the maid that the table will think- 'I wish I had had that other one...why'd we get the white girl?'

I have lived a long time without a boyfriend. and I have been very content. Happy almost that I'm not stuck with a wart like my last boyfriend. Dope. I hated being tied down to one dope all the time. That was years ago. and I've never really had a craving for a boyfriend in my life. Almost the contrary- who would want to be with someone like me? I should improve my life so as to make myself the kind of girl that my kind of guy would want to be with. I still stick to that but now...

I really wish I had someone I was crazy about who was crazy about me. So I would never worry about being pretty. Because I'd have him to tell me otherwise. and if HE likes me and HE think I’m pretty then screw the rest of the world.

and it hurts to be alone.
and to see pictures of myself that look so sad.